September 26, 2005

Clean-Ass High Tech

Technology is fucking awesome.

I just got one them new phones with an integrated camera inside of it.

I'm taking a crap.

And suddenly, as I'm wiping, I feel a small turd slide off on my buttcheek.

I'm wiping, I'm wiping. But I'm not sure if I've got it, you know? I mean, I can't see what's going on down there.

And then I realize shit in a box, I've got me a handlheld broadcast quality camera in my pocket.

I lower my cellphone into the bowl, click snap, and, presto, I've got a geographic map of my white ass right in front of my face. There's the little fucker -- hiding right on my left cheek (or is that left on my right cheek -- haw haw).

Whatever. Another quick swipe, and it's gone.

Five years ago, I would've had to squash that bugger in my drawers. Now, I can beam up the image of my clean ass to my whole family over the internet, and even GPS localize my wiping patterns. What will those turds think of next?

September 05, 2005