May 04, 2001

7. Canadians wear seatbelts in the back

Unless they're rebels. But note that you have to be a rebel not to wear a seatbelt in the back, and any average Canadian will snap right in from the moment they sit their butt down. Some will even spend some moments rooting around under the peanut shells and gum to pull out the buckle from beneath the seat cushions. This buckle will often have been stuck so long under the customary pile of rubbish that it will actually belong to another car! Yes, and this is how it happens: Canadians often own one car per person, and this person situates himself in the top-left quadrant of the car (imagining the car stood on its back end), and if he ever goes anywhere with another Canadian, that guest situates himself in the top-right quadrant. If they have a third guest, that guest probably takes their own car; the advantage of this being that it is more expensive. Therefore, by the time a sufficient supply of immigrants delivers a third guest to any given vehicle, a large quantity of peanut shells and gum has buried the seat belt buckles in the back seat. These buried buckles can then go unremarked for such a long time that the car is actually recycled and returned to the road in a new form, be it a Toyota Corolla or a Ford Sundance, and the buckles remain from the previous frame. Therefore, whenever they are dug out and tried, they do not fit.

Corollary 7.1: The people in the back seats of Canadian cars are immigrants

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