September 26, 2005
Clean-Ass High Tech
Technology is fucking awesome.
I just got one them new phones with an integrated camera inside of it.
I'm taking a crap.
And suddenly, as I'm wiping, I feel a small turd slide off on my buttcheek.
I'm wiping, I'm wiping. But I'm not sure if I've got it, you know? I mean, I can't see what's going on down there.
And then I realize shit in a box, I've got me a handlheld broadcast quality camera in my pocket.
I lower my cellphone into the bowl, click snap, and, presto, I've got a geographic map of my white ass right in front of my face. There's the little fucker -- hiding right on my left cheek (or is that left on my right cheek -- haw haw).
Whatever. Another quick swipe, and it's gone.
Five years ago, I would've had to squash that bugger in my drawers. Now, I can beam up the image of my clean ass to my whole family over the internet, and even GPS localize my wiping patterns. What will those turds think of next?