May 13, 2004

Gay Bitches

Recent email proved that homosexuality is a natural, God-made phenomenon. The email invoked the text of a scientific article on giant squids under the skin of male of which had been found deposits of giant squid semen. Lest you doubt the authority of email, let it be known that it provided a link to the journal that published the entire text, and the article referenced the museum, Stralsund, whose researchers had been preparing the corpses for exhibition. The researchers noted that male giant squid are incapable of injecting sperm underneath their own skin (owing likely to the rigidity of their peni), and that the injections therefore necessarily originated from gay companions. With the caveat that the couplings may have occured accidentaly during a giant squid orgy while male squid were actually attempting to ejaculate under the skin of female squid, but with the warning that meetings among giant squid are unfortunately too rare to postulate the throwing of a giant squid orgy, this discovery otherwise proves that God made gays. ellipsis It reminds me of a photograph in a magazine, which I have wanted to tell you about. It portrayed three monkeys. The normal kind. I don't know my monkeys, but these weren't apes nor gorillas, nor those orange orangutans. Nor those red, plastic-assed babboons. These were those regular type of monkeys; the kind that most people would like to have for a pet if they were to want a pet monkey. (Maybe they're chimps. I'm actually surprised I know so many types of monkeys.) Anyway, the type of monkeys doesn't matter. What matters is that there was a male monkey in this photo, just sitting down and observing the two other monkeys. And the other two monkeys were female monkeys. One of the female monkeys was lying down with her hairy legs comfortably splayed. The second female monkey was going down on her. The editors of the magazine (I despair to admit I forget its name) were sufficiently proud (and rightly so) of their photograph to award it a giant two-page spread. The text at the bottom of the photograph explained that monkeys were often observed so having sex for pleasure rather than for the pleasure of reproduction. ellipsis I find evidence of this kind in God's animal kingdom a comforting sign of His power and Omniscience: that He would in His infinite Love provide our world with various kinds of sexuality such that His world would prosper in the progress that arises from contact with diversity. ellipsis Another email told us of a Christian columnist advising readers on the subject of homosexuality by pointing to Leviticus 18:22 where it says something to the effect that a man sleeping with a man like he sleeps with his wife is an abomination and concluding that homosexuality is therefore an abomination, and (if you are lost in my grammar, the subject of this sentence is still "another email") presented one reader's response in which the reader enumerated the blatantly ridiculous other laws laid down by Moses, such as, among others,

J'ai un voisin qui tient à travailler le samedi. L'Exode, chapitre 35, verset 2, dit clairement qu'il doit être condamne à mort. Suis je oblige de le tuer moi-meme ? Pourriez-vous me soulager de cette question génante d'une quelconque manière ?

In order to garner the same kind of defense as presented by this reader, as well as for other sorts of intellectual enlightment, I have read the five books of Moses. I must concur with the email's conclusion that while the Bible explicitly calls homosexuality an abomination in the sight of God, it also explicitly condemns a great many acts that are in daily practise today, and orders a great many acts which it would today be impossible to practise, nonwithstanding that the five books of Moses are explicitly addressed not to Christians but to "the children of Israel". It is therefore impossible to take any of Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers or Deuteronomy literally. At least for a Christian, if not for everyone. ellipsis In spite, however, of all these proofs that God hangs with homos, I have a nagging question in my mind about sexuality and dogs. I'm not talking bestiality. I'm just wondering: dogs seem to be the greatest proof that gays are born, not conditioned, given that any dog will hump almost anything. He'll be especially happy if he can fit his pecker into a friend's asshole. In fact, even if my impression is erroneous, the canic race at least produces more diverse sexuality among its males than any numbers a human gay pride parade can claim. But what about bitches? Has anyone ever seen two girl dogs have sex? Does this not seem like a contradiction? Somehow? Am I just deprived? And if I am, how would it work? C'mon bitches: get with it!
Comments:
my bitch has humped female dogs b4.
no penetration - but she was definitely trying.

# posted by Anonymous Anonymous : 5:52 PM

 
Well... how could you even expect penetration from females? ;) Unless they had strap-ons?

But, seriously, that's news. Thx.

# posted by Blogger m. : 12:02 AM

 
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